Sad, numb, tired and scared

I have waited to blog since Friday, I wanted time and space to consider what I wanted to say, I have seen a lot of hate all over social media from both sides and thats not something I wanted to add to, this isn’t intended to be a finger pointing exercise, I just wanted to express how I feel.

It has been a very distressing few days, I won’t lie I have spent quite a bit of time trying to hide my tears from Lb as I don’t wish to pass my fears onto him, I voted remain on Thursday and so the result on Friday hit me hard, not because I am a sore loser as some wish to label me, trust me with my political leanings I am used to losing, it was just an unexpected shock, I honestly didn’t think I knew anyone that voted to leave (this I found out later is not the case) so I thought it would be an easy win.

This is when it becomes difficult, I believe in whole heartedly that everyones has the right to vote which ever way they wish even if I am completely opposed to what you are voting for and I have to hold on to the belief that some people voted leave based on an educated decision ( I really have to believe this otherwise I am never going to get out of this black hole), I have seen some interesting intelligent arguments for it, not that I agreed that they out weighed the remain  vote but at least I feel this people were making an informed vote, unfortunately I believe that a high percentage of people made an uneducated decision based on the scare tactics that was being used by the leave camp.

This scares me more than any of the financial or legal changes that will take place, I know people are also saying that this fear is being promoted and over exaggerated by the media and actually isn’t happening, that its all in my head, may be in some areas this may be true but in the area which I live I experience intolerance everyday, not the banner waving far right, they in a way are easy to report and dismiss as extremists, I am talking the soft racism and not so soft ( I have heard language used here that I have only ever seen used in documentaries about Windrush), I find this exhausting  and now unfortunately we seem to have given permission for this to be ok, just in the last few days, where I haven’t even left our flat ( being a block of flats you can hear conversations from anywhere outside the bottom of the block) I have heard the level of normally unacceptable language increase and the threat of violence to certain sections of our community being discussed.

So forgive me for feeling worried, I understand we have to move on and try and find some way forward but you have to remember my whole world perspective has been changed, I have always thought that people who were intolerant were in the minority but now I feel that I am in the minority and that bringing my child up in a world which I now fear is scary, so I can’t just let it go, I am trying to move on and find a way to live with this but at the moment my heart is broken.



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3 responses to “Sad, numb, tired and scared

  1. Jan Eaton

    I agree with you so much Nic. xx

  2. Sue Krekorian

    And me, my lovely. It is a horrible time. Our political system is brokenand it feels as if we are in, at least, limbo, or possible chaos. Big love and megahugs xxx

  3. Barbara Mann

    My age group were expected to remain, having valued years of peace, employment and the NHS. I felt sick for days reading all the comments. 17 year old grand-daughter’s comment….. Sixth form had a high majority for remain but the area voted for leave. There must be many generational ‘discussions’ about it all.
    One cab driver was very racist. I made one comment about my grandparents migration from Ireland…..then silence.

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